Because I can’t hold on to the illusion. When I almost believe, when I can almost touch your face, you vanish and leave me like a held breath. And never do I feel colder, lonelier; never do I long for darkness more than when I wish I could stop fooling myself..

I grow and I laugh at myself, and then shrink back into this girl, too small for my shoes. You grab my hands and spin me around and I let my head fall back, and laugh like a maniac, drunk with your madness. I keep waiting for the day you’ll let go, when I spin so fast, and I fall and hit my skull against a stone and split it apart. Perhaps you’ll leave it then, my twisted mind. Perhaps you’ll set me free.

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War dance

There’s no fight quite as fierce as the one with yourself. When the weapons keep changing and no one ever wins, or looses, or leaves.. the struggle is constant and painful and there’s no giving up.

Sometimes you think you can freeze, pretend that you’re dead and keep still; pretend that if you hide for a while, maybe you’re free. Maybe you could breath. Oh, you could finally breath.. But the air stops in your throat as you choke back into that cursed war you’ve been fighting for ever. No, no. no! There’s no breathing for you, girl; there’s no peace.

So come out of your hiding place or I’ll drag you. Come out an do what has to be done, even if your every limb is held down by a thousand stones. Heave, and push and cry if you must, but keep dancing that war dance you know so well. Keep fighting that battle that may never end until the stones win and you’re dragged down, and buried and lost…

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Mother

Oh! If she could have it all again she could work harder, she could sleep less, or listen more;

Oh! If she could have it all again she would hold you! She would freeze time at the age when you still cried to be held, because the pain of hurting you is sharper than any blow she would happily take, if only to not see the sorrow in your eyes anymore..

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I gave you all..

That night you were staring at me, remember? When I said I don’t care if you are somebody else’s, I am yours. You laughed and thought I was crazy. You always thought I was crazy, maybe that’s why you never stopped being so selfish, so blind.

You used to say I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve all the love you’re giving me. I still don’t know what you meant but  I used to believe. And even though I gave it all to you, you kept looking for more even when there was nothing left but an empty shell. My everything was not enough, you wanted more and I was useless.

Now I laugh like a mad woman when I think about you. You had so little to give and you gave me nothing, yet never stopped asking for more.

I became dark and small and tired of my nothingness, when you grew strong and proud with all that I’d given you. And you kept asking, demanding, until I had nothing left but darkness.

And one day I pulled back pieces of myself and threw them into my empty shell. And left. And now I fight to arrange the random bits into a human form, and I struggle to make myself look like a living being again.

And yet I know you’ll come back and take it all apart once more, and I’ll stand and watch like I always do; smiling, laughing and enjoying the show by your side.

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