The stinging in your chest, the humming noise in your left ear, the tears pouring down unheeded. Your mind refuses to acknowledge the pain. Your reason has left; it watches from afar this desperate body, twitching, shaking and falling apart… It laughs even, at the lack of control, the pitiful madness that has finally broken through the concrete skin.
She was staring at her red, swollen finger, hot water running down the plate in her hands. She couldn’t move. Tears wanted to form but she wouldn’t let them. Crying was accepting; and she still hoped.
He saw the steam rising and run to the sink, pulled her burning hands away, bewildered.
‘What the fuck is wrong with you, J?’
She shook her head, evasive, and walked away. Stalled at the door, not knowing where to go, what to do with herself; the words in her head like a broken disk ‘I can’t bear it! I can’t bear it! I can’t bear it!
She squeezed her hands, welcoming the distraction of the throbbing pain. Why was the flesh so easy to endure?
What is it all becoming, if not sorrow?
The nights wonder how his breath feels on the back of her head; ache for a touch, a gaze. The mornings cling desperately to a fading dream..
Perhaps amnesia is all you’ve left to wish for; forgetting his name, your own.. his maddening words. ‘One day’ he says, but you can’t bear it. Your whole body turns into a wound and you keep waiting for the skin to fall off so you could breathe again; but you know his absence shrinks around your neck every time your heart beats amiss.
Let me be! you beg. Let me be yours..
If you saw my withered lips, would you believe?
If you touched my skin and it burned your fingers, would you still doubt?
A post from the past, translated – January 2013
We talked everyday; conventionally. Frozen looks hiding insurmountable chemistry. I could never convince my body to get up from the chair and go home. The clock stopped when our eyes met; and if we were close, it never mattered what we said, if we said anything…
But then we met, like I’d never dared to dream; him and I, alone and unashamed. He smiled, the look in his eyes turning page after page of me, re-writing history. And I knew then I’d always carry his smile, curious and sweet, sealed in my heart.
I couldn’t breathe when I got home. I couldn’t breathe for days after; I would still feel his fingers on my back and my skin ached. My ears ringed, exhaustingly replaying the whispers.
My hands still shake when I type in my email, terrified of his silence. The clock doesn’t stop anymore and I wonder how long I have left until doom.
How I wish I could be yours. The way I was no one’s before…
When the blood stops my teeth scream, and I bite off the scabs before they form. The wounds bloom welcoming, and hell gleams from beneath the rotten skin.
They never heal.
I dreamed of a dance; unknown, unsettling. It was dark and neither of us knew the steps, though our bodies spun deliriously.
The rhythm was new and it was ancient; it was our own and it belonged to the gods.
When the music stopped my head rested on your chest, my body re-building itself to the new rhythm. My limbs fell and grew back, my blood changed direction.
I was liberated, I was yours..